Your mother is far better at writing down memories than I am but I feel as though I should write about my feelings from when I first found out that you were going to be joining our family to this morning when I woke up to calm you down and let mom get some more sleep.
When we found out that we were going to have a baby I had two feelings- unparalleled excitement and unparalleled fear. First I want to talk about the excitement.
I didn’t know if you were going to be a boy or girl yet but I didn’t care. I knew that you and I were going to be best friends and that we were going to learn new things and go on adventures together. I knew that you and I were going to have times where we laughed so hard we cried. I knew that we would learn from each other and help each other become better in every way. I knew that you would motivate me to work harder, be better, and love deeper. I knew that you would be an example to your future siblings.
But there was also what I didn’t know.
I didn’t know how I would be able to protect you from all the terrible things on this earth. I didn’t know how I would be able to make sure you always had everything you needed. I didn’t know how I would be able to share the love I have for your mother with you. I didn’t know how to be the example you would need. I didn’t know how I would teach you things that even I didn’t fully understand.
My excitement matched my fear. Every time we went to have a digital look at your progress I was always filled with this fear and excitement. After waiting for far too long we finally arrived at the day where you and I were able to meet.
Your mother was incredible. After months and months of physical torment she pushed through the final pain to bring you where we could both hold you together. It was incredible seeing you for the first time. You had hair! You had beautiful eyes! You were already impressing the nurses with your long arms and legs. One of the nurses even said that you would be an amazing basketball player!
You made me so proud. You went through such a terrifying moment with so many dramatic changes and you calmed down so that we could hold you for the first time. Feeling your skin touch ours was indescribable. When I first looked into your big eyes I knew I was overwhelmed with emotion.
The longer I held you the more excitement and fear I had. I will have that excitement and fear for the rest of my life but as the months have gone by the fear has been overcome by the excitement and replaced with a deep calm.
Why calm? Because I know in my heart that while I may not be able to overcome all of the fears that I have for you I know that I will try as hard as I am physically, mentally, and spiritually able to. If I give you everything I have in my being I know that you will be happy, safe, and strong.
Love other people- even the ones that seem to seem to only want to hurt others. They need love the most. Protect yourself and those you love. Protect that which you know to be true. Learn new things. Challenge yourself. Challenge the known and unknown of this world. Never be afraid to fail. Never be afraid to try.
I love you Colby and I am so proud of you. I am going to make sure I spend my life making sure you know that.